Around the time of death I was given a drink after trying to get on stage and previously I had taken medication for anxiety which doctors have found in my autopsy. Which I found and can confirm it. Having been addicted to certain things after being introduced to them and Hollywood at a young age sorta hurt me growing up in ways not many can understand. I hated drugs yet they found some in my system and it was one fatal heart attack after a mix of heroine and cocaine and other toxins that lead to the at least 5 seizures on the cold sidewalk of the sunset strip a place I may never go back to due to I can’t bear the trauma of walking on my own grave.
That night was like a rollercoaster I drank something that made me vomit and it felt like everything was spinning and pulsing in flashes and I could hardly stand or walk. I was dizzy and out of it as I went to the bathroom to puke and no one recognized me. I remember I was taken outside of the viper room a place I’ll never forget. I fell collapsing hard as my heart raced like it went a mile a minute and everything started to fade in and out. I heard my brother call 911 frantically talking, people crying, my name being said then as everything stilled and I felt air going inside me as I was taken in an ambulance that had arrived a little too late but fast enough that the out of body experience showed me everyone before and after. When you die you see your life flash before you like in a river of memories or orbs like lights in a sky or cloud of stars in your minds eye. You get a choice to remake the past but you have to forget what you once knew and since many people loved me I had a second chance at life and chose to keep a few faded memories like pictures of things that would teach me a life lesson in this presant lifetime.
The words I said, the way I wrote the things I did in this life now are all parallel to Rivers life and in a way I’m still him just in a new path with many roads and I’ve tasted many fucking roads they all look the same but yet this new path, this new life allowed me to let go of the pain I carried and told my best friends and my fans throughout the movies the songs everything had emotions in them and how I felt in each moment.
I trust you all so I gave you my heart and soul but you guys gave it back.
I remember stand by me and I still haven’t had greater friends than the ones when I was 12. But I also lost friends and was called many names and things I had to shrug off in both lives. We are all weird but thats what makes us who we are.
I hope to inspire people not bring attention or seek fame or fortune or any of that. I wouldn’t take that road again even if I could relive my life as River. I’d still end up quitting Hollywood and going to live with a loved one like I wanted to back then.
I remember the things that caused me to fall as River after I was sober for Dark Blood and some people I’ll never forgive and they know and you know who they are.
Yeah I miss my family from that life but to think how my relationship was with them shows in this life how I isolate myself now. Yes I had a good relationship and bond with my family as River but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I had to be strong not just for my family or fans or friends but for myself as well.
When I died I didn’t want to leave anyone but I knew my time was cut short.
Now I’m hitting 23 years in this life and I want to make this post in tribute to River and hope that I can open eyes. I still see all of you and I miss you but I had to let you all go in order to move on in this life and I apologize for that.
I’m content with who I am now and with who I was then and with what I have now in this life. So screw Hollywood and fame etc. I’d rather write music and live my dreams out of the spotlight. Do you know the pressure you are under when you are famous? Kinda is hard and I know people are having it rough but it will be ok.
I’ve tasted many fucking roads and they all taste the same. This road seems to go all around the world.
Except now its met its end.
Rest in peace River J. Phoenix
Rock on world